MANning Up (Not Down)

In response to several recent blogs/articles that I've read surrounding the topic, I've decided that I can't keep some of my thoughts based on this particular issue to myself any longer:

Manhood.

I would first off like to note that, for very obvious reasons (and some not so obvious), I am no expert on this topic. But, as the recent onslaught of these similar-themed posts have been making their way to my newsfeed and homepage, it seems that this issue is becoming more and more heavily discussed. The major idea presented is that our society has slowly begun sliding down a hill of emasculation. This doesn't just seem to be hitting the Church - even our mainstream culture is showing a general fear at the lack of "real" men in our world today. My stance on it all? Of course we should be afraid! Look at some of today's most popular pastimes:
1. Playing video games. Lots of them.
2. Watching vulgar comedies like the Hangover and Stepbrothers.
3. Spending endless hours online

Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't seem like any of the above activities are conducive to producing very redeeming qualities in a person, male or female.Our society thinks that the ability to produce facial hair or to score a winning touchdown somehow automatically places a male into the "real man" category.
Our movies and television shows are applauding marital unfaithfulness, crude behavior and unreasoned violence. Our favorite pastimes are producing attitudes of laziness and apathy.

And yet, we wonder at the loss of our men.

I think it should go without saying that we, as women, have a role to play as well. There are those of us who, for whatever reason we tell ourselves, simply allow these changes to take place and accept this new version of "man" for what it is, thus allowing the decline to continue. There are also those of us (myself included at times, perhaps) that are seeking a certain kind of man that does not exist (except in romance novels and chick flicks) thus crushing the spirits of those men who are putting forth an effort with our unreasonable expectations.

Neither party is without blame, just as both parties need to take action.

To the men: Stop polluting your minds with images and ideas that, while they may seem like harmless entertainment now, are actually attributing to the main source of the problem. Stop giving all of your time to activities that are encouraging violence and/or laziness and seek for hobbies that strengthen your character and motivation. Seek to help others instead of just helping your ego.

To the women: First, stop giving in to your initial emotions and allow yourself the level of independence needed to wait for a man who is worth his salt. Stop looking for a prince from a fairytale and start recognizing the knights living in the real world around you. When you recognize them, praise them for their efforts and allow them to be men.

And finally, if we choose to do anything at all, let it be to seek God's will and guidance through His Word:

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:2

See also:  http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/27484-the-misconceptions-of-manhood
and http://m.relevantmagazine.com/culture/film/features/27364-you-cant-marry-a-hot-vampire

Living in the Gray

I strongly dislike the rain. Well, that’s not completely accurate. I really just dislike the feeling that rainy weather gives me. Or any weather without sunshine, really. I am very clearly solar-powered; my emotions are affected by the change in weather in a way that sometimes scares me. When the sky is gray, I have to consciously battle against feelings of despondency or else give in to the strong desire to mope. I truly love watching the beauty that is a thunderstorm or the sound rain makes on my roof, but the overcast color in the air will never be a comfort to me.

I got to spend time this weekend with a couple of the most genuine people I know and it was insanely refreshing. I have only encountered a handful of people in my life that I would call truly genuine, a fact that I find to be quite tragic. Most of those in my world succeed at being genuine an honorable amount of the time; myself included. But the trait of being genuine is one that I find particularly appealing and thus I am drawn to those who seem to possess it more naturally.

What in the world does this have to do with rain, you ask? In my mind, those who are genuine do not live in a gray world. For them, life is much more black-and-white. They – whether by natural giftedness or learned ability – have been able to know themselves well enough that they walk through life without wearing masks or putting on airs. It is often our nature to maintain various facades, adjusting to our current circumstances and attempting to blend in. I am not saying that it isn’t pertinent at times to be able to relate to those around you. But far too many of us fall into the trap of performing – we become, in some sense, the person we think is best suited for that particular context. Sometimes this habit is quite obvious; other times, the only one who may notice is the one making the changes. Either way, I have found that being disloyal to myself is one of the most damaging things I can do to my soul. I have found over my few years that true rest of the Spirit often comes when I am at my most honest, my most genuine. When every part of myself – the person I am in private, the person I am inside my head, the person others see and the person I am on paper – come together, I feel as if the sun has finally been turned on again. Sadly, this doesn’t fully happen as often as I’d like, but I’m beginning to learn that the way to become truly genuine is to recognize who God has created me to be and to embrace every aspect of that, both good and bad. It certainly isn’t a fool-proof process and there’s a 100% chance of failure, but to work towards the goal of getting out of the gray seems to me to be worth all of the work it takes.

To those of you who have been able to move closer into the realm of the genuine, thank you. Thank you for loving those around you enough to be yourself. And thank you for refreshing my life and giving me a goal to work towards.

The Call

The man approached the woman as she was sitting there on the bench, surrounded by orange-tipped trees and looking out over the still, brown-blue water of the lake. She stood to greet him as one would greet an old friend, embracing him tightly and reveling in his every word. Together they strolled the paths in the forest, marveling at the colors and sounds. They circled back to the bench she had left and she sat again, expecting him to sit with her. Instead, he stood before her on an overgrown trail, his hand outstretched in a humble request for her to join him. She looked from him to the path, and then looked to the bag she had left on the bench beside her, the collection of her only possessions. The woman fingered the bag, counting the items in her mind. She hesitantly pulled the strap over her shoulder and lifted her gaze back to him. Sighing, he shook his head slowly and turned to head up the path, alone.

The next day, the man returned to find the woman there, on the same bench, as he had expected. They shared in their familiar dance amidst the trees as he pointed out details of the wood to her. When they returned to her bench, the woman knew he would wish to take her down the narrow path. Contentedly, she pointed out to him that she had not brought her bag along, knowing he would want her to walk the path without it. The woman began to follow him, but stopped suddenly to return to the bench, as if she had forgotten something. She bent down to pick up her gold watch that had fallen amidst the leaves. Putting it on her wrist, she turned back to join him, a hopeful smile on her lips. His face, however, was crestfallen. He silently shook his head and went off down the path without her.

When the man approached the woman the next day, he found her locked in an embrace with another. Seeing him, she stood up with her stranger and begged the man to let them both follow him down the path. The woman vowed she would help her stranger find his way until he could navigate the path on his own. The man looked from the woman to the stranger, love evident in his eyes. His gaze met hers again as he shook his head. This time, before leaving her to travel that unfamiliar path, he bent close and whispered in her ear…

I’ll be back again tomorrow.

The Tyranny of Fear

My heart begins to make a gong out of my rib cage; my insides instantly heat up as though set over a burner; my entire body tenses, rigid as stone. The whole fight-or-flight response is completely moot; my brain is inches away from carrying my body in any direction to flee the perceived danger. Logic and reason war against my innate desire to preserve all pretense of safety. The cause could be rational and justified or a product of paranoia stemming from an ill-fated past experience. My adrenaline glands rarely pause to inquire into such time-consuming ponderings. My default reaction - my basic human flaw - is that four-letter word that is quite a bit more infamous than any of its counterparts: fear.

Most of us are no stranger to being afraid, and I can't say that I experience it any more than the next person. I do know, however, that I find myself being fearful in far more situations that I'd like. My fear can come from any number of events: I am forced to do something I have never done before, something I deem as dangerous; I am out walking alone and encounter a stranger that my mind labels as 'unsafe;' I look into the eyes of someone I care about and know that one day they will inevitably disappoint me. Any of these situations can make me want to run away, avoid the danger, save myself from any kind of pain. But, despite my best efforts, avoiding the things that I fear would mean I'd need to live as a hermit in a plastic bubble.

So, what do I do instead? I cling to the only stable Source of safety I have. I run to His arms and know that He will hold my hand. I will still be afraid; I will still face situations that scare my pants off. But these fears don't have to turn me into a paranoid pile of jell-o. I can face them knowing I have more on my side, that I am not facing them alone.

"God is bigger than the boogey-man..."

A Reve(a)lation

I had never felt more betrayed in my entire life.

I believe I felt something akin to how a child would feel if they saw the mall Santa without his beard. Or like seeing your favorite teacher in their pajamas. I felt as if the person I have known for so long was not real, or at least, not the person I had known them as. One move, one wrong step and my entire perspective changed. My immediate response was to point fingers, get angry, pass judgment. I wept over my loss, over the pain it brought to myself and so many others. I wept because I had been disappointed.

But Lindsay, He said to me, you are exactly the same. 

Ouch.

In that moment, and in several moments since then, I was acutely reminded of God's grace. Of His mercy. Of His forgiveness. And of my own sin. Who am I to pass judgment? Who am I to decide that one wrong action is worse than another? Who am I to play God?

God doesn't write one of His children out because of one wrong move. If so, we'd all be toast. But rather, He uses these moments of our weakness to show His strength. He uses all the times that we screw up to show us His unfailing mercy and unyielding love. When we walk away from Him, His heart breaks for us. He does not force Himself on us but rather waits patiently for us to realize our brokenness and to crawl back into His lap so He can fix us.

And if, the God of all the universe, the King of all Kings can forgive the sins of the entire world, shouldn't I be able to forgive the sins of just one person?

My heart is still broken and I am still hurting. I will still weep. But I weep now for the loss of a family member, the loss of a friend. I weep for my own brokenness and the brokenness of the world we live in. And after my tears have been shed, I rejoice in the knowledge that my God still reigns. He is still in control and His good and perfect plan will still prevail. He will continue to bless me with people in my life who will walk alongside me, who will lead me and, in turn, allow me to lead them. He will hold me in His hands for as long as I choose to fall into them.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me my sin.

Koinonia

   The Voice called her name and she knew it was pointless to resist. On shaky legs she approached the podium, heart racing and mind searching to find the words she knew she had to say. When she finally willed herself to look up, her heart swelled at the sight. She saw the smooth wood of the old piano and the dust on the window ledges. She saw the arched ceiling and the worn carpet. The girl looked out over the tiny sanctuary and the even tinier crowd and twenty-three pairs of eyes stared back at her, each one different. Some of them were creased around the edges with signs of lives lived; some were smooth and clear. Some had been smudged with make-up; some with dirt and sand. Some were as familiar as her own; still some were completely new to her. No matter the size or shape, they all said the same thing: we see you.

    She looked into those eyes, those faces, and knew exactly what to say. The words were handed to her and she allowed them tumble from her lips as she took it all in. Her knees still wobbled and her voice still shook, but her heart was at peace. She finished her simple story and made it back to the wooden pew, squeezing between those she loved. 

This then, she thought, is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Lost (?) in Translation

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"

That seems to have been the mantra of my life for the past couple weeks. I have been spinning in circles for several days (years really) trying to find answers to some of life's toughest questions, getting dizzier and dizzier.

Can you guess what happened next?

I fell down. Face first.

I could just picture God shaking His head at me.

You see, all along I've been ignoring His voice, content to just trudge through the mud on my own. Who knows what's best for my life better than me, right??

In this moment, the thing I love most about my God is His uncanny ability to take the right answer (the one I've been avoiding) and knock me right over the head with it. He lets us flounder around for as long as we choose because He loves us enough to give us that choice. But when we finally spot Him offshore we're shocked that He's been holding up a giant neon-sign the entire time. After all the struggling, I realize that every single encounter, every question, every word of advice all pointed to the same answer.

I just wasn't ready to hear it.

The Art of Caring

Apathy. It's so much easier. It's less painful. It's less complicated. People are bound to let you down; they are bound to fail. We live in a broken world full of lies, rejection, heartbreak. Relationships are often like wars - one side is always winning, always fighting harder leaving the other side in the dust to collect their wounded. With the risk of injury so high, why enter the fight at all? Wouldn't it just be easier to live life on the outskirts, caring for yourself and avoiding the possible threat of danger altogether?

Why should I even care?

Why bother loving others when there's no certainty that they'll love me in return?

These are thoughts that run through my mind constantly. Everytime someone lets me down, everytime I'm disappointed, everytime I face rejection I am reminded of how much it hurts to love, how much empathy costs me. I battle the desire to give it all up and live in solitude, to cut all ties and relish the freedom independence seems to bring.

But then I remember.

I remember how much I am loved, how much I am cared for. I remember how much pain was felt on my behalf. I remember how much pain I have caused because of my own imperfections. Suddenly, my selfish desire to protect myself seems so futile.

So I'll strap my helmet back on and forge out into the fray. I'll stand at the frontlines of the battle that is relationship and I'll take the blows that come my way. There is always a chance that I'll be wounded; scars are inevitable. But for every scratch and bruise I take I know that I am inflicting a far greater mark on those that I'm fighting for.

If, at the end of my days on this earth, at least one person can say that I have affected their lives because of my love for them, every pain will be far worth it.

(Please read 1 John 4:7-21)

Is Safe Enough?

Today's blog is my reflections that stemmed from various conversations/interactions I've had recently. The first of which occurred between me and a friend (Paul):

Me: "I'm not a pessimist. I'm just rational. Being rational is safer."
Paul: "But is safe enough?"

Now, maybe to most of you this doesn't really hold much significance. And, to be honest, it held a lot more meaning in the moment (there's something meaningful about talking under a sky full of stars). However, the question tugged at me the rest of that evening and kept replaying in my mind throughout the weekend. God was clearly trying to tell me something these past few days and I'm only hoping I've gotten the gist of it.

For the past few months-most of my college career actually-I've been constantly focused on the future. I ponder what my career will be, who will be in my life, where I will live. College has felt like something to get through; a step to climb to reach the point where 'real life' will begin. I've never had a clear path in mind (as indicated by my multiple changes in majors) and the fact has made this time period even harder. I know I want to do something radical, something that will make an impact. But that goal has usually always seemed to be waiting on the future. Until now.

When Paul asked me that question, I began thinking about the way I live my life now. Every decision I make is thought out, every plan clearly organized. I've never considered myself to be the type of person to avoid adventures or to shy away from risks. In reality, though, that's exactly what I've been doing. Sure, I took a chance by transferring to a new school, but not before I made a thorough pro's and con's list. I was playing it safe; I was being rational. In my mind, it was better to be safe. I had experienced enough disappointments and hurts in the past to know that I wanted to avoid more. I also wanted to feel like I was in control. But God has been trying to teach me that this is not the way He wants me to live.

After my conversation with Paul, several more people spoke into my life, unknowingly: A coworker shared with me his dreams in life and his passion for thinking outside the box; another good friend shared ideas with me about his own thoughts about the future and how his mistakes have helped him learn; the pastor at church on Sunday encouraged us to live our life with Heaven as our focus, knowing that our hurts will one day be gone. Each of these interactions helped reinforce the message that I need to be living for Him right here, right now. I cannot be afraid of the possible pain because He has me in His arms. He has called us to live radically, dangerously in the face of our society. To be stuck in our comfort zones is to give in to the powers of this world. We aren't changing anything in His name if we aren't willing to step out and trust Him. I'm not saying to forgo all logic and do something foolish. But to be in constant fear of taking the wrong step is to take away His place as the Ruler of our lives.

So today I issue a challenge to myself and to all of you: Take that step of faith-accept that new job that scares you, move to that new city, ask out the girl you've grown to care for, go on that trip across the ocean. Even the 'smaller' choices we make can go a long way towards putting our trust in Him.

Something's Changed...

Ever have one of those nights where you know you won't be able to shut your brain off long enough to go to sleep? I have those regularly. But, after the week I just had they may become even more common.

This last week I was a camp counselor at Michiana Christian Service Camp. I served as part of the Impact Ministries team. To say that it was a life-changing experience would be an understatement. Going into the week, I wasn't really sure my heart was in it. I was already tired from the previous week and as an introvert by nature, the whole process did seem a bit daunting. By Tuesday, however, I had already lost my heart to a group of high-schoolers. I had not completely prepared myself for the blessing those relationships would bring or the sense of joy I would feel as I led those campers through God's Word and His promises. On top of it all, I was in a place surrounded by people who wanted to praise and honor the Lord. I was away from my usual distractions and from the preconceived notions that my friends have about me. I was in a place with mostly new faces and it was a very refreshing and rejuvenating time. My mind keeps replaying images and conversations from the week and reinforcing the insights they brought. I can't imagine now where I'd be if I hadn't agreed to serve there.

My thoughts are also retracing each step I took today and the conversations that occurred. It was another good day with my friends at the beach, but it feels different tonight somehow. Maybe I was changed more than I realized at camp or maybe something about today really was out of the ordinary. Either way, today felt more vivid, more important in some way. I know, it sounds a bit crazy to me too. That's what this is for though; to express my crazy thoughts in a controlled manner. To sum in all up, today just felt more real to me. I feel like I learned something new about each of the people I interacted with today and because of that, I've grown to care about them even more. Even though I can't make sense of it, I still find it to be a blessing. Whether I sleep tonight or not.

Oh, the People You'll Meet

I've had a very eventful past few days and I've been thinking a lot about relationships. My first thought is that the world is such a small place in reality. I have been making connections with people who have connections with people who have connections, and so on. The connectedness of it all astounds me. I love figuring out how each person fits in with the rest of my life.

The second - and maybe more important - insight is thinking about how various people have impacted my life and are impacting my life at this very moment. I meet new people all the time and I don't always stop to think about how they've each affected me. Sometimes people come into my life for a day or two and then I never see them again. Other times, someone new will come into my life and I don't expect much to come from the relationship but weeks later I realized that they've become an integral part of the world around me. I have been blessed recently to be able to build some new friendships that I know will last. But, at the same time, these new relationships remind me of ones that I've lost over the years. The main thing I'm learning through all this random pondering is just the inevitability of change. Life brings new experiences every day. Our job is to greet them and learn from each one as it comes.

(Purposefully) Untitled

We had our first real discussion tonight at the book study and my mind has a lot to process. I can't say that much got accomplished tonight for me personally but rather that much of what I already know was confirmed. I have to say that tonight also has got me thinking about how incredibly complex we humans are. Even in our group of about 15 people there are so many varying degrees of ideas and experiences. I enjoy that diversity, but I also sometimes wish there was one set answer, one path that everyone knows about. However, I have compiled a short list of statements that I think hold true in life:

1. Healthy communication is key to any relationship
2. If we women want men to be men, we need to expect them to be.
3. Every woman longs to be (and deserves to be) pursued.
4. Understanding of another human being can only really come from taking the time to get to know them
5. People (no matter the gender) will always surprise you

I also think I'm going to start adding a song to each post, something that relates to the post or to the day. Tonight's song is a bit of a joke, but also holds a decent amount of truth

Men and Me - The Truth (At least for today)

I am leading a book study for the summer with a group of friends. The general purpose of the study is to learn more about the roles God gave to men and women, distinctively. Hopefully, by learning and understanding these roles better, we can have a better idea of how to have healthy, glorifying relationships with one another. And, given the personalities in this particular group, enjoy some healthy debating as well :) 

After the first meeting last night, I began processing some of the conclusions I've come to regarding my relationships with the various males in my life. The past year has brought into my world several new male friends. Now, I am accustomed to having more friends with Y-chromosomes than without...it's simply how my personality works. Men, in general, are easier for me to befriend, for whatever reason. But for most of high school I had the same friends and therefore we were all comfortable with one another and knew each others' various quirks and character traits. Most of the people I associate with now, however, are friends I made in the past school year. Coincidentally, about 80% of them are male, a fact which has helped to bring me to the point I am at currently: where is the line drawn between healthy and unhealthy intimacy in a cross-gender friendship?

This is a question I am still learning to answer and hoping that this study will help shed some light on as well. At this stage in my life, being single can sometimes be more challenging than I'd like. However, I am not in a position of desperation by any means - I am content, for the most part, to wait for God's timing. Should He deem that my life would be better spent in marriage one day, His choice of men is far better than mine, I'm sure. But I also know that He may have other plans for me, those that do not include me taking the title of "wife" and are sure to be equally fulfilling. Either way, now is not the time for me to know. So. For the moment I am merely working to ensure that my relationships reflect Him.

I would, for the record, just like to say that this time of waiting wouldn't be nearly as easy if it weren't for the men in my life who have helped to show me what I could possibly be waiting for. God has blessed me with some male friends who are clearly on the road to becoming great men of faith. I know what it is to be respected and honored as a woman, thanks to the wonderful guys I have the pleasure of knowing. To me, that is a pretty amazing gift.

Thank you, boys. You all know who you are. 

The Start of a (Hopefully) Beautiful Friendship

I've gone back and forth on this whole blog thing for months now and have finally given in. I haven't a clue where this will take me - or all of you, for that matter. My mind wanders in and around places that I don't even understand. But, perhaps, this blog will help get things a bit more straightened out.
For starters, I'll simply explain the title I chose, though the first two pieces of the list are fairly self-explanatory: my whole life has been dedicated to following Jesus Christ so it follows that a blog about my life will reflect Him in many ways. Second, I will undoubtedly talk about love in various forms by walking through my daily encounters with people. But the third piece may be a bit confusing...In the simplest of terms, the Mr. Clean Magic Erasers are pretty much my favorite cleaning supply ever.  And, as I'm sure you'll hear plenty about later, my current job title is Student Worker-Housekeeper on the campus of Bethel College. Therefore, I know my stuff.