I think sometimes we worry just to feel something. It's not as if worrying is an emotion that we particularly enjoy, yet we cling to it for the comfort it brings through its consistency. We know what it is to worry - we can anticipate our bodies' reactions, can expect the quickened pulse, the shaky hands, the headaches. To worry is second nature. Our desire to control and our utter lack of control make for the perfect conditions.
I wonder what it'd be like to be free from worrying. Would my mind even be able to handle the lack of activity? Could my body still function without the adrenaline inducer?
Would I really be at peace if I were really at peace?
Oh, to be free from worry! What a life that would be.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
A Matter of Silence
The art of silence is not just an absence of noise; it's and absence of every distraction of our minds, every self-dialogue. It is an absence of every hesitancy to listen and be fully present to absorb rather than to simply leak out in excess as we usually do.To be silent is to empty ourselves in totality to be prepared to be filled with Something far greater that the cacophony of our daily lives.
God doesn't just suggest that we spend time in silence, He commands it (Ecclesiastes 5:2-3).
Ours is a culture of ruckus, a culture of structured chaos where a day spent in silence can loom like a prison sentence. But we were not created to be masters of our own private rock band; we were called to learn to live in the silence of a relationship gone right, a relationship of listening.
The beauty of silence is the beauty of true companionship. To be able to be silent in the presence of another is the real sign of a connection that goes far deeper than location or common interests.
My goal is to learn to relish silence, to be able to enter a point in my relationships where the use of words would dishonor their validity. I only pray that it doesn't take a lifetime to do it.
God doesn't just suggest that we spend time in silence, He commands it (Ecclesiastes 5:2-3).
Ours is a culture of ruckus, a culture of structured chaos where a day spent in silence can loom like a prison sentence. But we were not created to be masters of our own private rock band; we were called to learn to live in the silence of a relationship gone right, a relationship of listening.
The beauty of silence is the beauty of true companionship. To be able to be silent in the presence of another is the real sign of a connection that goes far deeper than location or common interests.
My goal is to learn to relish silence, to be able to enter a point in my relationships where the use of words would dishonor their validity. I only pray that it doesn't take a lifetime to do it.
Friday, January 27, 2012
The Point of Love
First off, if you haven't read it already, read The War of Love by one of my good friends and favorite writers, Dylan Lemert. I'll be responding to his blog in parts of my own. http://infiniteimportance.com/2012/01/27/the-war-of-love/
The following quote comes from the book Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton:
"For one thing, love is a major inconvenience at times. It is rarely efficient...Furthermore, love challenges my self-centeredness, and sometimes it requires me to give more of myself than I want to give. Sometimes (I'd say most times) love hurts, or at least makes me vulnerable. All the time, love is risky, and there are no guarantees..."
My gut-level reaction is to end the quote there. These lines seem to sum up most of how we would define love, at least as far as our finite minds can grasp. I think of classic romance movies like "A Walk to Remember" or "The Notebook," both renowned for not just their feel-good scenes, but because they show - albeit in the dolled-up Hollywood way - that love involves pain, it involves the unknown. As Dylan stated, love requires sacrifice, if it's worthwhile anyway. And I also agree, love should (and does) make us feel pretty miserable at times. It's impossible to be objective about love; love is practically defined by its subjective nature! But honestly, I think that's the point. If love weren't a risk, if it weren't a strain on our very sense of control, then it wouldn't be the very thing that makes us human.
"...and yet, love is the deepest calling of the Christian life, the standard by which everything about our lives is measured...the heart of God's will is that we follow Him passionately into love - even if it takes us all the way to the cross."
Only in war do we see people knowingly and consciously choosing to lay down their most prized possession -their very lives- for a cause. The greatest battle of all time was fought and won by the same kind of sacrifice. To what end? To love, simply and completely. We do have to fight to teach others how to love just as we have been taught through the sacrifice and struggle of those who love us. All of the risks - the pain, the betrayal, the very death of our selves - are the price it costs to even step foot on the battlefield. To truly love is to lay it all out on the line and then continue to fight, naked and empty-handed. But that love is the very core of our existence, the reason of our being. What's more natural than that?
The following quote comes from the book Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton:
"For one thing, love is a major inconvenience at times. It is rarely efficient...Furthermore, love challenges my self-centeredness, and sometimes it requires me to give more of myself than I want to give. Sometimes (I'd say most times) love hurts, or at least makes me vulnerable. All the time, love is risky, and there are no guarantees..."
My gut-level reaction is to end the quote there. These lines seem to sum up most of how we would define love, at least as far as our finite minds can grasp. I think of classic romance movies like "A Walk to Remember" or "The Notebook," both renowned for not just their feel-good scenes, but because they show - albeit in the dolled-up Hollywood way - that love involves pain, it involves the unknown. As Dylan stated, love requires sacrifice, if it's worthwhile anyway. And I also agree, love should (and does) make us feel pretty miserable at times. It's impossible to be objective about love; love is practically defined by its subjective nature! But honestly, I think that's the point. If love weren't a risk, if it weren't a strain on our very sense of control, then it wouldn't be the very thing that makes us human.
"...and yet, love is the deepest calling of the Christian life, the standard by which everything about our lives is measured...the heart of God's will is that we follow Him passionately into love - even if it takes us all the way to the cross."
Only in war do we see people knowingly and consciously choosing to lay down their most prized possession -their very lives- for a cause. The greatest battle of all time was fought and won by the same kind of sacrifice. To what end? To love, simply and completely. We do have to fight to teach others how to love just as we have been taught through the sacrifice and struggle of those who love us. All of the risks - the pain, the betrayal, the very death of our selves - are the price it costs to even step foot on the battlefield. To truly love is to lay it all out on the line and then continue to fight, naked and empty-handed. But that love is the very core of our existence, the reason of our being. What's more natural than that?
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Storytime
As I sit in my bright yellow room looking over all of the traces of the time spent so far in this house, I keep thinking about the power of a good memory. By "good" I don't necessarily mean "happy" or "pleasant," but rather those memories that are meaningful enough to stand out, the ones that haven't faded into the background of my mind because of the experience they provided. Very seldom do I remember something from before about the age of 12; my childhood never seems to surface except on rare occasions. Or, perhaps the last (almost 9) years have just been too full for me to remember anything beyond them. I prefer the second explanation, though it may be a bit far-fetched. Thinking over the nearly 21 years of my life so far, I have noticed that the vast majority of my memories involve other people, rather directly or indirectly. Those images and scenes that come to mind the easiest are the ones in which I was acting with other people, acting for other people, or reacting to other people. Though not surprising, this observation is still intriguing to me as it shows how intertwined we really are as humans. The idea also helps me to see that in order to write a better story for my life I must pay attention to its characters.
I recently finished reading "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller, recommended by a good friend. Though slow-going at first, the last half of the book was quite challenging. The idea of viewing my life as a story that I write isn't new to me; most "writer-types" toy with the thought. However, I don't think I ever truly embraced the idea that I, as the writer, had the power to, well, write. I've been barely scribbling recently, just waiting for Him to give me some major inspiration, to stop my writer's block. I realize now that He's been waiting for me to first be willing to go out on a limb, write a few lines or paragraphs, knowing that He'll help me edit as I go along.
I have also realized that my character development has been a bit shoddy. The main character of my novel (me) has not been interacting with the other characters in the story enough to make it worth reading. Though my character is rather adept at being self-aware, she sometimes lacks the ability to see how deeply the characters around her affect her life. (I call this "the syndrome of the introvert") Of course, the interactions I have with other people in my mind are always fulfilling and exciting...the problem is getting the ideas on paper. I have been challenged to continue to fight past the urges to hide inside my own mind, to put the pen to paper and make bold lines. The things I risk - embarrassment, rejection, discomfort - aren't greater than the opportunity of writing a story that really means something, a story that I can be proud to show to God at the end of it.
"I don't wonder anymore what I'll tell God when I go to Heaven, when we sit in the chairs under the tree, outside of the city...he'll remind me of the parts I forgot, the parts that were his favorites. We'll sit and remember my story together, and then he'll stand and put his arms around me and say, 'Well done,' and that he liked my story. And my soul won't be thirsty anymore. Finally, he'll turn, and we'll walk toward the city...a city built in a place where once there'd been nothing." -Donald Miller
I recently finished reading "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller, recommended by a good friend. Though slow-going at first, the last half of the book was quite challenging. The idea of viewing my life as a story that I write isn't new to me; most "writer-types" toy with the thought. However, I don't think I ever truly embraced the idea that I, as the writer, had the power to, well, write. I've been barely scribbling recently, just waiting for Him to give me some major inspiration, to stop my writer's block. I realize now that He's been waiting for me to first be willing to go out on a limb, write a few lines or paragraphs, knowing that He'll help me edit as I go along.
I have also realized that my character development has been a bit shoddy. The main character of my novel (me) has not been interacting with the other characters in the story enough to make it worth reading. Though my character is rather adept at being self-aware, she sometimes lacks the ability to see how deeply the characters around her affect her life. (I call this "the syndrome of the introvert") Of course, the interactions I have with other people in my mind are always fulfilling and exciting...the problem is getting the ideas on paper. I have been challenged to continue to fight past the urges to hide inside my own mind, to put the pen to paper and make bold lines. The things I risk - embarrassment, rejection, discomfort - aren't greater than the opportunity of writing a story that really means something, a story that I can be proud to show to God at the end of it.
"I don't wonder anymore what I'll tell God when I go to Heaven, when we sit in the chairs under the tree, outside of the city...he'll remind me of the parts I forgot, the parts that were his favorites. We'll sit and remember my story together, and then he'll stand and put his arms around me and say, 'Well done,' and that he liked my story. And my soul won't be thirsty anymore. Finally, he'll turn, and we'll walk toward the city...a city built in a place where once there'd been nothing." -Donald Miller
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Stretching Out
The other night I was speaking with a very good friend and accountability partner. I asked her about some interactions she had observed me in over the past week and wanted her feedback on how I had handled a certain situation.
I'm still cringing.
Basically, it boiled down to her telling me that my actions/reactions resembled those of someone with a lot less self-control and discernment than what I'd like to think I actually possess. And, in not so many words, she implied that I hadn't given her enough reason to trust that her initial assessment of my actions were wrong. In this particular type of scenario, I was seemingly failing miserably at responding in a way that showed Christ's influence in my life, or, at least, that's the way I took it.
My gut-level response to this conversation? Total denial and blatant defense. I wanted to respond with as many excuses and justifications as I could to prove to her that she had judged too quickly and too harshly. After all, she didn't know the whole story, and it had always been clear that our ideas on these types of situations were different. But by the grace of God (for there's no way I chose to on my own) I held my tongue and decided to contemplate what she had said. This issue is probably the one I struggle with most in this season of my life, and therefore the hardest one to allow God to work in.
Though a bit painful, the conclusions I have come to and am still working out as a result of this one simple conversation have been perfectly in-line with similar themes that seem to be running in my life this semester. I have already begun sensing that this semester is going to push me in ways that I may not always feel prepared for. Now that I am fully into my major classes, most of this semester focuses on ministry. More importantly, this semester seems to be focusing on personal, disciplined growth.
In other words, this semester's theme is: kick Lindsay's butt until she realizes that it's good for her.
Another friend and I were talking recently about maturity. We agreed that a strong indicator of maturity is the ability to self-evaluate and make changes in your life where necessary. This is a skill that any person should be able to develop as they grow and age; however, for Christians, I think this skill is even more important and is a true sign of one's ability to let the Holy Spirit work in his/her life to mature his/her faith. I have always prided myself on being very self-aware; I know my strengths and weaknesses, I know how my personality functions and I have a good sense of where I fit in the world around me. However, I am only beginning to realize that there is much more involved in making changes than just the initial desire to make the change. I have to be willing to take the steps needed to move me in that direction; I have to be willing to stretch.
Therefore, right now, in front of whoever may happen to read this (and in front of the Big Guy Himself), I am committing to being stretched this semester. I am making the conscious choice now to be a different person in 4 months. I am promising myself and my Father that I will take the pain, the embarrassment and the confusion as much as I need to to reach the next step of my journey.
I'm still cringing.
Basically, it boiled down to her telling me that my actions/reactions resembled those of someone with a lot less self-control and discernment than what I'd like to think I actually possess. And, in not so many words, she implied that I hadn't given her enough reason to trust that her initial assessment of my actions were wrong. In this particular type of scenario, I was seemingly failing miserably at responding in a way that showed Christ's influence in my life, or, at least, that's the way I took it.
My gut-level response to this conversation? Total denial and blatant defense. I wanted to respond with as many excuses and justifications as I could to prove to her that she had judged too quickly and too harshly. After all, she didn't know the whole story, and it had always been clear that our ideas on these types of situations were different. But by the grace of God (for there's no way I chose to on my own) I held my tongue and decided to contemplate what she had said. This issue is probably the one I struggle with most in this season of my life, and therefore the hardest one to allow God to work in.
Though a bit painful, the conclusions I have come to and am still working out as a result of this one simple conversation have been perfectly in-line with similar themes that seem to be running in my life this semester. I have already begun sensing that this semester is going to push me in ways that I may not always feel prepared for. Now that I am fully into my major classes, most of this semester focuses on ministry. More importantly, this semester seems to be focusing on personal, disciplined growth.
In other words, this semester's theme is: kick Lindsay's butt until she realizes that it's good for her.
Another friend and I were talking recently about maturity. We agreed that a strong indicator of maturity is the ability to self-evaluate and make changes in your life where necessary. This is a skill that any person should be able to develop as they grow and age; however, for Christians, I think this skill is even more important and is a true sign of one's ability to let the Holy Spirit work in his/her life to mature his/her faith. I have always prided myself on being very self-aware; I know my strengths and weaknesses, I know how my personality functions and I have a good sense of where I fit in the world around me. However, I am only beginning to realize that there is much more involved in making changes than just the initial desire to make the change. I have to be willing to take the steps needed to move me in that direction; I have to be willing to stretch.
Therefore, right now, in front of whoever may happen to read this (and in front of the Big Guy Himself), I am committing to being stretched this semester. I am making the conscious choice now to be a different person in 4 months. I am promising myself and my Father that I will take the pain, the embarrassment and the confusion as much as I need to to reach the next step of my journey.
Monday, December 5, 2011
MANning Up (Not Down)
In response to several recent blogs/articles that I've read surrounding the topic, I've decided that I can't keep some of my thoughts based on this particular issue to myself any longer:
Manhood.
I would first off like to note that, for very obvious reasons (and some not so obvious), I am no expert on this topic. But, as the recent onslaught of these similar-themed posts have been making their way to my newsfeed and homepage, it seems that this issue is becoming more and more heavily discussed. The major idea presented is that our society has slowly begun sliding down a hill of emasculation. This doesn't just seem to be hitting the Church - even our mainstream culture is showing a general fear at the lack of "real" men in our world today. My stance on it all? Of course we should be afraid! Look at some of today's most popular pastimes:
1. Playing video games. Lots of them.
2. Watching vulgar comedies like the Hangover and Stepbrothers.
3. Spending endless hours online
Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't seem like any of the above activities are conducive to producing very redeeming qualities in a person, male or female.Our society thinks that the ability to produce facial hair or to score a winning touchdown somehow automatically places a male into the "real man" category.
Our movies and television shows are applauding marital unfaithfulness, crude behavior and unreasoned violence. Our favorite pastimes are producing attitudes of laziness and apathy.
And yet, we wonder at the loss of our men.
I think it should go without saying that we, as women, have a role to play as well. There are those of us who, for whatever reason we tell ourselves, simply allow these changes to take place and accept this new version of "man" for what it is, thus allowing the decline to continue. There are also those of us (myself included at times, perhaps) that are seeking a certain kind of man that does not exist (except in romance novels and chick flicks) thus crushing the spirits of those men who are putting forth an effort with our unreasonable expectations.
Neither party is without blame, just as both parties need to take action.
To the men: Stop polluting your minds with images and ideas that, while they may seem like harmless entertainment now, are actually attributing to the main source of the problem. Stop giving all of your time to activities that are encouraging violence and/or laziness and seek for hobbies that strengthen your character and motivation. Seek to help others instead of just helping your ego.
To the women: First, stop giving in to your initial emotions and allow yourself the level of independence needed to wait for a man who is worth his salt. Stop looking for a prince from a fairytale and start recognizing the knights living in the real world around you. When you recognize them, praise them for their efforts and allow them to be men.
And finally, if we choose to do anything at all, let it be to seek God's will and guidance through His Word:
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:2
See also: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/27484-the-misconceptions-of-manhood
and http://m.relevantmagazine.com/culture/film/features/27364-you-cant-marry-a-hot-vampire
Manhood.
I would first off like to note that, for very obvious reasons (and some not so obvious), I am no expert on this topic. But, as the recent onslaught of these similar-themed posts have been making their way to my newsfeed and homepage, it seems that this issue is becoming more and more heavily discussed. The major idea presented is that our society has slowly begun sliding down a hill of emasculation. This doesn't just seem to be hitting the Church - even our mainstream culture is showing a general fear at the lack of "real" men in our world today. My stance on it all? Of course we should be afraid! Look at some of today's most popular pastimes:
1. Playing video games. Lots of them.
2. Watching vulgar comedies like the Hangover and Stepbrothers.
3. Spending endless hours online
Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't seem like any of the above activities are conducive to producing very redeeming qualities in a person, male or female.Our society thinks that the ability to produce facial hair or to score a winning touchdown somehow automatically places a male into the "real man" category.
Our movies and television shows are applauding marital unfaithfulness, crude behavior and unreasoned violence. Our favorite pastimes are producing attitudes of laziness and apathy.
And yet, we wonder at the loss of our men.
I think it should go without saying that we, as women, have a role to play as well. There are those of us who, for whatever reason we tell ourselves, simply allow these changes to take place and accept this new version of "man" for what it is, thus allowing the decline to continue. There are also those of us (myself included at times, perhaps) that are seeking a certain kind of man that does not exist (except in romance novels and chick flicks) thus crushing the spirits of those men who are putting forth an effort with our unreasonable expectations.
Neither party is without blame, just as both parties need to take action.
To the men: Stop polluting your minds with images and ideas that, while they may seem like harmless entertainment now, are actually attributing to the main source of the problem. Stop giving all of your time to activities that are encouraging violence and/or laziness and seek for hobbies that strengthen your character and motivation. Seek to help others instead of just helping your ego.
To the women: First, stop giving in to your initial emotions and allow yourself the level of independence needed to wait for a man who is worth his salt. Stop looking for a prince from a fairytale and start recognizing the knights living in the real world around you. When you recognize them, praise them for their efforts and allow them to be men.
And finally, if we choose to do anything at all, let it be to seek God's will and guidance through His Word:
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:2
See also: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/27484-the-misconceptions-of-manhood
and http://m.relevantmagazine.com/culture/film/features/27364-you-cant-marry-a-hot-vampire
Monday, November 7, 2011
Living in the Gray
I strongly dislike the rain. Well, that’s not completely accurate. I really just dislike the feeling that rainy weather gives me. Or any weather without sunshine, really. I am very clearly solar-powered; my emotions are affected by the change in weather in a way that sometimes scares me. When the sky is gray, I have to consciously battle against feelings of despondency or else give in to the strong desire to mope. I truly love watching the beauty that is a thunderstorm or the sound rain makes on my roof, but the overcast color in the air will never be a comfort to me.
I got to spend time this weekend with a couple of the most genuine people I know and it was insanely refreshing. I have only encountered a handful of people in my life that I would call truly genuine, a fact that I find to be quite tragic. Most of those in my world succeed at being genuine an honorable amount of the time; myself included. But the trait of being genuine is one that I find particularly appealing and thus I am drawn to those who seem to possess it more naturally.
What in the world does this have to do with rain, you ask? In my mind, those who are genuine do not live in a gray world. For them, life is much more black-and-white. They – whether by natural giftedness or learned ability – have been able to know themselves well enough that they walk through life without wearing masks or putting on airs. It is often our nature to maintain various facades, adjusting to our current circumstances and attempting to blend in. I am not saying that it isn’t pertinent at times to be able to relate to those around you. But far too many of us fall into the trap of performing – we become, in some sense, the person we think is best suited for that particular context. Sometimes this habit is quite obvious; other times, the only one who may notice is the one making the changes. Either way, I have found that being disloyal to myself is one of the most damaging things I can do to my soul. I have found over my few years that true rest of the Spirit often comes when I am at my most honest, my most genuine. When every part of myself – the person I am in private, the person I am inside my head, the person others see and the person I am on paper – come together, I feel as if the sun has finally been turned on again. Sadly, this doesn’t fully happen as often as I’d like, but I’m beginning to learn that the way to become truly genuine is to recognize who God has created me to be and to embrace every aspect of that, both good and bad. It certainly isn’t a fool-proof process and there’s a 100% chance of failure, but to work towards the goal of getting out of the gray seems to me to be worth all of the work it takes.
To those of you who have been able to move closer into the realm of the genuine, thank you. Thank you for loving those around you enough to be yourself. And thank you for refreshing my life and giving me a goal to work towards.
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