Perhaps we
all feel this way once in a while, I thought. Maybe we all question our
identities, our choices, our roles. She asked me who I’d be if I were someone
different. I told her I didn't know. But I know that there are days…no, moments
of days… in which I am not completely content with who I am now. Or rather,
with aspects of myself that seem impervious to change. It happens in those
seconds between breaths when I allow my mind to roam unchecked. It happens when
I am least engaged, when I can’t focus.
More than
anything else, I know who I am. I have roved the inner workings of my mind and
have processed every system, every habit. I see each inconsistency, every compulsion,
the unstable roots. And I see the brilliancy of every stalwart fortress built
to thwart the pitfalls. I marvel at the intricacies of thought and perception.
I know my limitations. I can analyze every action and see the cause behind it.
I have learned to love my own mind, eccentric as it may be.
She asked
me who I’d be if I were someone different. The truth is that she doesn't exist.
The tweaks and tinkerings needed for her to be created aren't going to come to
fruition. I love what God has made me. But we often wish to change that which
we love the most. It is the human condition to seek perfection and to always
fall short.
This is no
rambling of self-loathing or letter of entreaty for pity. It is merely a
statement of truth, an acknowledgement of the feeling that there are times when
we all want to play a role we weren't casted for. The trick is to keep the
spotlight from seeking another target.
The trick
is to take another breath.
