The Call

The man approached the woman as she was sitting there on the bench, surrounded by orange-tipped trees and looking out over the still, brown-blue water of the lake. She stood to greet him as one would greet an old friend, embracing him tightly and reveling in his every word. Together they strolled the paths in the forest, marveling at the colors and sounds. They circled back to the bench she had left and she sat again, expecting him to sit with her. Instead, he stood before her on an overgrown trail, his hand outstretched in a humble request for her to join him. She looked from him to the path, and then looked to the bag she had left on the bench beside her, the collection of her only possessions. The woman fingered the bag, counting the items in her mind. She hesitantly pulled the strap over her shoulder and lifted her gaze back to him. Sighing, he shook his head slowly and turned to head up the path, alone.

The next day, the man returned to find the woman there, on the same bench, as he had expected. They shared in their familiar dance amidst the trees as he pointed out details of the wood to her. When they returned to her bench, the woman knew he would wish to take her down the narrow path. Contentedly, she pointed out to him that she had not brought her bag along, knowing he would want her to walk the path without it. The woman began to follow him, but stopped suddenly to return to the bench, as if she had forgotten something. She bent down to pick up her gold watch that had fallen amidst the leaves. Putting it on her wrist, she turned back to join him, a hopeful smile on her lips. His face, however, was crestfallen. He silently shook his head and went off down the path without her.

When the man approached the woman the next day, he found her locked in an embrace with another. Seeing him, she stood up with her stranger and begged the man to let them both follow him down the path. The woman vowed she would help her stranger find his way until he could navigate the path on his own. The man looked from the woman to the stranger, love evident in his eyes. His gaze met hers again as he shook his head. This time, before leaving her to travel that unfamiliar path, he bent close and whispered in her ear…

I’ll be back again tomorrow.

The Tyranny of Fear

My heart begins to make a gong out of my rib cage; my insides instantly heat up as though set over a burner; my entire body tenses, rigid as stone. The whole fight-or-flight response is completely moot; my brain is inches away from carrying my body in any direction to flee the perceived danger. Logic and reason war against my innate desire to preserve all pretense of safety. The cause could be rational and justified or a product of paranoia stemming from an ill-fated past experience. My adrenaline glands rarely pause to inquire into such time-consuming ponderings. My default reaction - my basic human flaw - is that four-letter word that is quite a bit more infamous than any of its counterparts: fear.

Most of us are no stranger to being afraid, and I can't say that I experience it any more than the next person. I do know, however, that I find myself being fearful in far more situations that I'd like. My fear can come from any number of events: I am forced to do something I have never done before, something I deem as dangerous; I am out walking alone and encounter a stranger that my mind labels as 'unsafe;' I look into the eyes of someone I care about and know that one day they will inevitably disappoint me. Any of these situations can make me want to run away, avoid the danger, save myself from any kind of pain. But, despite my best efforts, avoiding the things that I fear would mean I'd need to live as a hermit in a plastic bubble.

So, what do I do instead? I cling to the only stable Source of safety I have. I run to His arms and know that He will hold my hand. I will still be afraid; I will still face situations that scare my pants off. But these fears don't have to turn me into a paranoid pile of jell-o. I can face them knowing I have more on my side, that I am not facing them alone.

"God is bigger than the boogey-man..."

A Reve(a)lation

I had never felt more betrayed in my entire life.

I believe I felt something akin to how a child would feel if they saw the mall Santa without his beard. Or like seeing your favorite teacher in their pajamas. I felt as if the person I have known for so long was not real, or at least, not the person I had known them as. One move, one wrong step and my entire perspective changed. My immediate response was to point fingers, get angry, pass judgment. I wept over my loss, over the pain it brought to myself and so many others. I wept because I had been disappointed.

But Lindsay, He said to me, you are exactly the same. 

Ouch.

In that moment, and in several moments since then, I was acutely reminded of God's grace. Of His mercy. Of His forgiveness. And of my own sin. Who am I to pass judgment? Who am I to decide that one wrong action is worse than another? Who am I to play God?

God doesn't write one of His children out because of one wrong move. If so, we'd all be toast. But rather, He uses these moments of our weakness to show His strength. He uses all the times that we screw up to show us His unfailing mercy and unyielding love. When we walk away from Him, His heart breaks for us. He does not force Himself on us but rather waits patiently for us to realize our brokenness and to crawl back into His lap so He can fix us.

And if, the God of all the universe, the King of all Kings can forgive the sins of the entire world, shouldn't I be able to forgive the sins of just one person?

My heart is still broken and I am still hurting. I will still weep. But I weep now for the loss of a family member, the loss of a friend. I weep for my own brokenness and the brokenness of the world we live in. And after my tears have been shed, I rejoice in the knowledge that my God still reigns. He is still in control and His good and perfect plan will still prevail. He will continue to bless me with people in my life who will walk alongside me, who will lead me and, in turn, allow me to lead them. He will hold me in His hands for as long as I choose to fall into them.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me my sin.