I had never felt more betrayed in my entire life.
I believe I felt something akin to how a child would feel if they saw the mall Santa without his beard. Or like seeing your favorite teacher in their pajamas. I felt as if the person I have known for so long was not real, or at least, not the person I had known them as. One move, one wrong step and my entire perspective changed. My immediate response was to point fingers, get angry, pass judgment. I wept over my loss, over the pain it brought to myself and so many others. I wept because I had been disappointed.
But Lindsay, He said to me, you are exactly the same.
Ouch.
In that moment, and in several moments since then, I was acutely reminded of God's grace. Of His mercy. Of His forgiveness. And of my own sin. Who am I to pass judgment? Who am I to decide that one wrong action is worse than another? Who am I to play God?
God doesn't write one of His children out because of one wrong move. If so, we'd all be toast. But rather, He uses these moments of our weakness to show His strength. He uses all the times that we screw up to show us His unfailing mercy and unyielding love. When we walk away from Him, His heart breaks for us. He does not force Himself on us but rather waits patiently for us to realize our brokenness and to crawl back into His lap so He can fix us.
And if, the God of all the universe, the King of all Kings can forgive the sins of the entire world, shouldn't I be able to forgive the sins of just one person?
My heart is still broken and I am still hurting. I will still weep. But I weep now for the loss of a family member, the loss of a friend. I weep for my own brokenness and the brokenness of the world we live in. And after my tears have been shed, I rejoice in the knowledge that my God still reigns. He is still in control and His good and perfect plan will still prevail. He will continue to bless me with people in my life who will walk alongside me, who will lead me and, in turn, allow me to lead them. He will hold me in His hands for as long as I choose to fall into them.
Thank you, Lord, for showing me my sin.
Isn't that something? To be completely and utterly distraught by the actions of another person in such a way that we are not only angry but also upset? And then, to realize that this is exactly how Jesus must feel every time we sin! It breaks my heart to know that I make Him feel this way so often but he still loves me as if I am the perfect child He designed me to be. If Jesus can show us enough grace to get off the throne over all and become man only to be persecuted, tortured, and murdered all so that we may have life, we must do the same unto our brothers and sisters. I pray for comfort to come into your life and pray that you find it in your heart to forgive. Bless you, friend. :]
ReplyDeleteThank you Greg, for those words and encouragement. :)
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