"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
That seems to have been the mantra of my life for the past couple weeks. I have been spinning in circles for several days (years really) trying to find answers to some of life's toughest questions, getting dizzier and dizzier.
Can you guess what happened next?
I fell down. Face first.
I could just picture God shaking His head at me.
You see, all along I've been ignoring His voice, content to just trudge through the mud on my own. Who knows what's best for my life better than me, right??
In this moment, the thing I love most about my God is His uncanny ability to take the right answer (the one I've been avoiding) and knock me right over the head with it. He lets us flounder around for as long as we choose because He loves us enough to give us that choice. But when we finally spot Him offshore we're shocked that He's been holding up a giant neon-sign the entire time. After all the struggling, I realize that every single encounter, every question, every word of advice all pointed to the same answer.
I just wasn't ready to hear it.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The Art of Caring
Apathy. It's so much easier. It's less painful. It's less complicated. People are bound to let you down; they are bound to fail. We live in a broken world full of lies, rejection, heartbreak. Relationships are often like wars - one side is always winning, always fighting harder leaving the other side in the dust to collect their wounded. With the risk of injury so high, why enter the fight at all? Wouldn't it just be easier to live life on the outskirts, caring for yourself and avoiding the possible threat of danger altogether?
Why should I even care?
Why bother loving others when there's no certainty that they'll love me in return?
These are thoughts that run through my mind constantly. Everytime someone lets me down, everytime I'm disappointed, everytime I face rejection I am reminded of how much it hurts to love, how much empathy costs me. I battle the desire to give it all up and live in solitude, to cut all ties and relish the freedom independence seems to bring.
But then I remember.
I remember how much I am loved, how much I am cared for. I remember how much pain was felt on my behalf. I remember how much pain I have caused because of my own imperfections. Suddenly, my selfish desire to protect myself seems so futile.
So I'll strap my helmet back on and forge out into the fray. I'll stand at the frontlines of the battle that is relationship and I'll take the blows that come my way. There is always a chance that I'll be wounded; scars are inevitable. But for every scratch and bruise I take I know that I am inflicting a far greater mark on those that I'm fighting for.
If, at the end of my days on this earth, at least one person can say that I have affected their lives because of my love for them, every pain will be far worth it.
(Please read 1 John 4:7-21)
Why should I even care?
Why bother loving others when there's no certainty that they'll love me in return?
These are thoughts that run through my mind constantly. Everytime someone lets me down, everytime I'm disappointed, everytime I face rejection I am reminded of how much it hurts to love, how much empathy costs me. I battle the desire to give it all up and live in solitude, to cut all ties and relish the freedom independence seems to bring.
But then I remember.
I remember how much I am loved, how much I am cared for. I remember how much pain was felt on my behalf. I remember how much pain I have caused because of my own imperfections. Suddenly, my selfish desire to protect myself seems so futile.
So I'll strap my helmet back on and forge out into the fray. I'll stand at the frontlines of the battle that is relationship and I'll take the blows that come my way. There is always a chance that I'll be wounded; scars are inevitable. But for every scratch and bruise I take I know that I am inflicting a far greater mark on those that I'm fighting for.
If, at the end of my days on this earth, at least one person can say that I have affected their lives because of my love for them, every pain will be far worth it.
(Please read 1 John 4:7-21)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Is Safe Enough?
Today's blog is my reflections that stemmed from various conversations/interactions I've had recently. The first of which occurred between me and a friend (Paul):
Me: "I'm not a pessimist. I'm just rational. Being rational is safer."
Paul: "But is safe enough?"
Now, maybe to most of you this doesn't really hold much significance. And, to be honest, it held a lot more meaning in the moment (there's something meaningful about talking under a sky full of stars). However, the question tugged at me the rest of that evening and kept replaying in my mind throughout the weekend. God was clearly trying to tell me something these past few days and I'm only hoping I've gotten the gist of it.
For the past few months-most of my college career actually-I've been constantly focused on the future. I ponder what my career will be, who will be in my life, where I will live. College has felt like something to get through; a step to climb to reach the point where 'real life' will begin. I've never had a clear path in mind (as indicated by my multiple changes in majors) and the fact has made this time period even harder. I know I want to do something radical, something that will make an impact. But that goal has usually always seemed to be waiting on the future. Until now.
When Paul asked me that question, I began thinking about the way I live my life now. Every decision I make is thought out, every plan clearly organized. I've never considered myself to be the type of person to avoid adventures or to shy away from risks. In reality, though, that's exactly what I've been doing. Sure, I took a chance by transferring to a new school, but not before I made a thorough pro's and con's list. I was playing it safe; I was being rational. In my mind, it was better to be safe. I had experienced enough disappointments and hurts in the past to know that I wanted to avoid more. I also wanted to feel like I was in control. But God has been trying to teach me that this is not the way He wants me to live.
After my conversation with Paul, several more people spoke into my life, unknowingly: A coworker shared with me his dreams in life and his passion for thinking outside the box; another good friend shared ideas with me about his own thoughts about the future and how his mistakes have helped him learn; the pastor at church on Sunday encouraged us to live our life with Heaven as our focus, knowing that our hurts will one day be gone. Each of these interactions helped reinforce the message that I need to be living for Him right here, right now. I cannot be afraid of the possible pain because He has me in His arms. He has called us to live radically, dangerously in the face of our society. To be stuck in our comfort zones is to give in to the powers of this world. We aren't changing anything in His name if we aren't willing to step out and trust Him. I'm not saying to forgo all logic and do something foolish. But to be in constant fear of taking the wrong step is to take away His place as the Ruler of our lives.
So today I issue a challenge to myself and to all of you: Take that step of faith-accept that new job that scares you, move to that new city, ask out the girl you've grown to care for, go on that trip across the ocean. Even the 'smaller' choices we make can go a long way towards putting our trust in Him.
Me: "I'm not a pessimist. I'm just rational. Being rational is safer."
Paul: "But is safe enough?"
Now, maybe to most of you this doesn't really hold much significance. And, to be honest, it held a lot more meaning in the moment (there's something meaningful about talking under a sky full of stars). However, the question tugged at me the rest of that evening and kept replaying in my mind throughout the weekend. God was clearly trying to tell me something these past few days and I'm only hoping I've gotten the gist of it.
For the past few months-most of my college career actually-I've been constantly focused on the future. I ponder what my career will be, who will be in my life, where I will live. College has felt like something to get through; a step to climb to reach the point where 'real life' will begin. I've never had a clear path in mind (as indicated by my multiple changes in majors) and the fact has made this time period even harder. I know I want to do something radical, something that will make an impact. But that goal has usually always seemed to be waiting on the future. Until now.
When Paul asked me that question, I began thinking about the way I live my life now. Every decision I make is thought out, every plan clearly organized. I've never considered myself to be the type of person to avoid adventures or to shy away from risks. In reality, though, that's exactly what I've been doing. Sure, I took a chance by transferring to a new school, but not before I made a thorough pro's and con's list. I was playing it safe; I was being rational. In my mind, it was better to be safe. I had experienced enough disappointments and hurts in the past to know that I wanted to avoid more. I also wanted to feel like I was in control. But God has been trying to teach me that this is not the way He wants me to live.
After my conversation with Paul, several more people spoke into my life, unknowingly: A coworker shared with me his dreams in life and his passion for thinking outside the box; another good friend shared ideas with me about his own thoughts about the future and how his mistakes have helped him learn; the pastor at church on Sunday encouraged us to live our life with Heaven as our focus, knowing that our hurts will one day be gone. Each of these interactions helped reinforce the message that I need to be living for Him right here, right now. I cannot be afraid of the possible pain because He has me in His arms. He has called us to live radically, dangerously in the face of our society. To be stuck in our comfort zones is to give in to the powers of this world. We aren't changing anything in His name if we aren't willing to step out and trust Him. I'm not saying to forgo all logic and do something foolish. But to be in constant fear of taking the wrong step is to take away His place as the Ruler of our lives.
So today I issue a challenge to myself and to all of you: Take that step of faith-accept that new job that scares you, move to that new city, ask out the girl you've grown to care for, go on that trip across the ocean. Even the 'smaller' choices we make can go a long way towards putting our trust in Him.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Something's Changed...
Ever have one of those nights where you know you won't be able to shut your brain off long enough to go to sleep? I have those regularly. But, after the week I just had they may become even more common.
This last week I was a camp counselor at Michiana Christian Service Camp. I served as part of the Impact Ministries team. To say that it was a life-changing experience would be an understatement. Going into the week, I wasn't really sure my heart was in it. I was already tired from the previous week and as an introvert by nature, the whole process did seem a bit daunting. By Tuesday, however, I had already lost my heart to a group of high-schoolers. I had not completely prepared myself for the blessing those relationships would bring or the sense of joy I would feel as I led those campers through God's Word and His promises. On top of it all, I was in a place surrounded by people who wanted to praise and honor the Lord. I was away from my usual distractions and from the preconceived notions that my friends have about me. I was in a place with mostly new faces and it was a very refreshing and rejuvenating time. My mind keeps replaying images and conversations from the week and reinforcing the insights they brought. I can't imagine now where I'd be if I hadn't agreed to serve there.
My thoughts are also retracing each step I took today and the conversations that occurred. It was another good day with my friends at the beach, but it feels different tonight somehow. Maybe I was changed more than I realized at camp or maybe something about today really was out of the ordinary. Either way, today felt more vivid, more important in some way. I know, it sounds a bit crazy to me too. That's what this is for though; to express my crazy thoughts in a controlled manner. To sum in all up, today just felt more real to me. I feel like I learned something new about each of the people I interacted with today and because of that, I've grown to care about them even more. Even though I can't make sense of it, I still find it to be a blessing. Whether I sleep tonight or not.
This last week I was a camp counselor at Michiana Christian Service Camp. I served as part of the Impact Ministries team. To say that it was a life-changing experience would be an understatement. Going into the week, I wasn't really sure my heart was in it. I was already tired from the previous week and as an introvert by nature, the whole process did seem a bit daunting. By Tuesday, however, I had already lost my heart to a group of high-schoolers. I had not completely prepared myself for the blessing those relationships would bring or the sense of joy I would feel as I led those campers through God's Word and His promises. On top of it all, I was in a place surrounded by people who wanted to praise and honor the Lord. I was away from my usual distractions and from the preconceived notions that my friends have about me. I was in a place with mostly new faces and it was a very refreshing and rejuvenating time. My mind keeps replaying images and conversations from the week and reinforcing the insights they brought. I can't imagine now where I'd be if I hadn't agreed to serve there.
My thoughts are also retracing each step I took today and the conversations that occurred. It was another good day with my friends at the beach, but it feels different tonight somehow. Maybe I was changed more than I realized at camp or maybe something about today really was out of the ordinary. Either way, today felt more vivid, more important in some way. I know, it sounds a bit crazy to me too. That's what this is for though; to express my crazy thoughts in a controlled manner. To sum in all up, today just felt more real to me. I feel like I learned something new about each of the people I interacted with today and because of that, I've grown to care about them even more. Even though I can't make sense of it, I still find it to be a blessing. Whether I sleep tonight or not.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Oh, the People You'll Meet
I've had a very eventful past few days and I've been thinking a lot about relationships. My first thought is that the world is such a small place in reality. I have been making connections with people who have connections with people who have connections, and so on. The connectedness of it all astounds me. I love figuring out how each person fits in with the rest of my life.
The second - and maybe more important - insight is thinking about how various people have impacted my life and are impacting my life at this very moment. I meet new people all the time and I don't always stop to think about how they've each affected me. Sometimes people come into my life for a day or two and then I never see them again. Other times, someone new will come into my life and I don't expect much to come from the relationship but weeks later I realized that they've become an integral part of the world around me. I have been blessed recently to be able to build some new friendships that I know will last. But, at the same time, these new relationships remind me of ones that I've lost over the years. The main thing I'm learning through all this random pondering is just the inevitability of change. Life brings new experiences every day. Our job is to greet them and learn from each one as it comes.
The second - and maybe more important - insight is thinking about how various people have impacted my life and are impacting my life at this very moment. I meet new people all the time and I don't always stop to think about how they've each affected me. Sometimes people come into my life for a day or two and then I never see them again. Other times, someone new will come into my life and I don't expect much to come from the relationship but weeks later I realized that they've become an integral part of the world around me. I have been blessed recently to be able to build some new friendships that I know will last. But, at the same time, these new relationships remind me of ones that I've lost over the years. The main thing I'm learning through all this random pondering is just the inevitability of change. Life brings new experiences every day. Our job is to greet them and learn from each one as it comes.
Monday, June 27, 2011
(Purposefully) Untitled
We had our first real discussion tonight at the book study and my mind has a lot to process. I can't say that much got accomplished tonight for me personally but rather that much of what I already know was confirmed. I have to say that tonight also has got me thinking about how incredibly complex we humans are. Even in our group of about 15 people there are so many varying degrees of ideas and experiences. I enjoy that diversity, but I also sometimes wish there was one set answer, one path that everyone knows about. However, I have compiled a short list of statements that I think hold true in life:
1. Healthy communication is key to any relationship
2. If we women want men to be men, we need to expect them to be.
3. Every woman longs to be (and deserves to be) pursued.
4. Understanding of another human being can only really come from taking the time to get to know them
5. People (no matter the gender) will always surprise you
I also think I'm going to start adding a song to each post, something that relates to the post or to the day. Tonight's song is a bit of a joke, but also holds a decent amount of truth
1. Healthy communication is key to any relationship
2. If we women want men to be men, we need to expect them to be.
3. Every woman longs to be (and deserves to be) pursued.
4. Understanding of another human being can only really come from taking the time to get to know them
5. People (no matter the gender) will always surprise you
I also think I'm going to start adding a song to each post, something that relates to the post or to the day. Tonight's song is a bit of a joke, but also holds a decent amount of truth
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Men and Me - The Truth (At least for today)
I am leading a book study for the summer with a group of friends. The general purpose of the study is to learn more about the roles God gave to men and women, distinctively. Hopefully, by learning and understanding these roles better, we can have a better idea of how to have healthy, glorifying relationships with one another. And, given the personalities in this particular group, enjoy some healthy debating as well :)
After the first meeting last night, I began processing some of the conclusions I've come to regarding my relationships with the various males in my life. The past year has brought into my world several new male friends. Now, I am accustomed to having more friends with Y-chromosomes than without...it's simply how my personality works. Men, in general, are easier for me to befriend, for whatever reason. But for most of high school I had the same friends and therefore we were all comfortable with one another and knew each others' various quirks and character traits. Most of the people I associate with now, however, are friends I made in the past school year. Coincidentally, about 80% of them are male, a fact which has helped to bring me to the point I am at currently: where is the line drawn between healthy and unhealthy intimacy in a cross-gender friendship?
This is a question I am still learning to answer and hoping that this study will help shed some light on as well. At this stage in my life, being single can sometimes be more challenging than I'd like. However, I am not in a position of desperation by any means - I am content, for the most part, to wait for God's timing. Should He deem that my life would be better spent in marriage one day, His choice of men is far better than mine, I'm sure. But I also know that He may have other plans for me, those that do not include me taking the title of "wife" and are sure to be equally fulfilling. Either way, now is not the time for me to know. So. For the moment I am merely working to ensure that my relationships reflect Him.
I would, for the record, just like to say that this time of waiting wouldn't be nearly as easy if it weren't for the men in my life who have helped to show me what I could possibly be waiting for. God has blessed me with some male friends who are clearly on the road to becoming great men of faith. I know what it is to be respected and honored as a woman, thanks to the wonderful guys I have the pleasure of knowing. To me, that is a pretty amazing gift.
Thank you, boys. You all know who you are.
After the first meeting last night, I began processing some of the conclusions I've come to regarding my relationships with the various males in my life. The past year has brought into my world several new male friends. Now, I am accustomed to having more friends with Y-chromosomes than without...it's simply how my personality works. Men, in general, are easier for me to befriend, for whatever reason. But for most of high school I had the same friends and therefore we were all comfortable with one another and knew each others' various quirks and character traits. Most of the people I associate with now, however, are friends I made in the past school year. Coincidentally, about 80% of them are male, a fact which has helped to bring me to the point I am at currently: where is the line drawn between healthy and unhealthy intimacy in a cross-gender friendship?
This is a question I am still learning to answer and hoping that this study will help shed some light on as well. At this stage in my life, being single can sometimes be more challenging than I'd like. However, I am not in a position of desperation by any means - I am content, for the most part, to wait for God's timing. Should He deem that my life would be better spent in marriage one day, His choice of men is far better than mine, I'm sure. But I also know that He may have other plans for me, those that do not include me taking the title of "wife" and are sure to be equally fulfilling. Either way, now is not the time for me to know. So. For the moment I am merely working to ensure that my relationships reflect Him.
I would, for the record, just like to say that this time of waiting wouldn't be nearly as easy if it weren't for the men in my life who have helped to show me what I could possibly be waiting for. God has blessed me with some male friends who are clearly on the road to becoming great men of faith. I know what it is to be respected and honored as a woman, thanks to the wonderful guys I have the pleasure of knowing. To me, that is a pretty amazing gift.
Thank you, boys. You all know who you are.
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